Room, please.
You alone?
Luggage?
How long you want it for?
Not very long.
$5.00.
307.
Haven't you anything higher?
Higher?
914?
Good night.
Goodbye.
Baby!
Yeah!
Ante.
Ante up.
Excuse me, sir.
Aren't you the one called the Cincinnati Kid?
You don't like it, get a machine.
Jeez, it stinks in here.
What time is it?
Again?
I just like to know what time it is.
You're winning $95. That's what time it is.
Where the hell are you running?
I just asked what time it was.
It's 10:30.
Got to leave by 12:00.
Oh, jeez.
I told you that when I sat down.
Murray, didn't I say that when I sat down?
Don't talk to him. He's dealing.
Want to rest for a while, Murray?
Go lie down, sweetheart.
You want speed or accuracy? Make up your mind.
Hey, you want to do me a favor?
Smoke towards New Jersey.
No kidding. I'm really worried about Felix.
He's never been this late before.
Maybe somebody should call.
Hey, Oscar! Why don't you call Felix?
Why don't we chip in and buy another window?
How can you breathe here?
How many cards you got? Four?
Yes, Murray, we all have four cards.
You give us one more, we'll all have five.
If you gave us two, we'd have six.
You understand how it works now?
Is Oscar playing or not?
Hey, Oscar!
Yeah?
Hey, Oscar, you in or out?
Out, pussycat, out!
Told my wife I'd be home by 1:00 the latest.
We're making an 8:00 plane to Florida. I told you that.
Who goes to Florida in July?
It's off-season. There's no crowds,
and you get the best room for 1/10 the price.
No cards.
Some vacation. Six cheap people in an empty hotel.
Dealer takes four.
Hey, you think maybe Felix is sick?
I mean, he's never been this late before.
This is the same garbage from last week's game.
I'm beginning to recognize things.
I'm out.
Two kings.
Straight.
Maybe he's in his office locked in the john again.
Did you know that Felix
was once locked in the john overnight?
He wrote out his entire will
on half a roll of toilet paper.
What a nut.
Don't play with your chips.
I'm asking you nice.
I'm not playing, I'm counting.
Leave me alone, will you?
If you stop playing with your chips.
I hate winners playing with their chips.
It's my house, Vinnie.
You want to play with your chips, go ahead, darling.
I'm in for a quarter.
Won't you look at your cards first?
What for? I'm going to bluff anyway.
Who gets the Pepsi?
I get a Pepsi.
Murray the policeman gets a warm Pepsi.
Still didn't fix the refrigerator?
It's been two weeks. No wonder it stinks.
Temper, temper. If I wanted nagging,
I'd go back with my wife.
I'm out. Who wants food?
What do you got?
I got brown sandwiches and green sandwiches.
Which one do you want?
What's the green?
It's either very new cheese or very old meat.
I'll take the brown.
You're not going to eat that, are you?
I'm hungry.
His refrigerator's been out of order for two weeks.
I saw milk standing in there
that wasn't in a bottle.
What are you, a health nut? Eat, Murray.
I got six cards.
It figures. I got three aces.
Misdeal.
You know who makes good sandwiches? Felix.
Ever taste his cream cheese and pimento on date nut bread?
Make up your mind... poker or recipes.
Aah! Oscar, you got beer all over my glasses!
You got it on the chips.
You got it all over me now!
Are we going to stand here
or play some poker?
Here.
You got it on the suits.
Don't put it in the middle of the table.
Put it on the side.
Wipe the cards.
Get the beer. All right, right there.
How can you play like this?
Wipe the beer off. Right there.
Come on, let's play some poker here.
What's the game?
Who's playing here?
Vinnie, what time you leaving?
12:00.
We got 10 minutes before the next announcement.
All right, this is five-card stud.
"Five-card studarino"
A red lady, a deuce cuatro,
a big ace for the policeman. Bet.
The pot's shy. Who didn't put in a quarter?
You didn't.
You got a big mouth. Lend me $20.
I just did. Borrow from somebody else.
I keep winning my own money back.
You owe everybody.
If you don't have it, don't play.
I'm through being nice.
You owe me $6.00 apiece for the buffet.
What buffet?
Hot beer and sandwiches
left over from high school.
What do you want, a tomato surprise?
Murray, lend me $20, or I'll tell your wife
you're in Central Park wearing a dress.
Maybe that's Felix.
Pair of 6s.
Three deuces.
Why didn't you go to Florida last night?
If that's my wife, tell her I'm leaving at 12:00.
You look at your watch again,
you get peanuts in your face.
Cut.
I can't hear you.
Dabby? Dabby who? No, there's no Dabby here.
Oh, Daddy! For crying out loud, it's my kid.
Brucey, how are you, baby?
Huh? Yes...No, I couldn't...
No, there's a lot of boys here. We're playing. Huh?
Boys, give me a break!
My 5-year-old is calling from California.
Must be costing him a fortune.
How have you been, honey? Yes, I got your letter.
Yes. It took three weeks.
Next time, you tell Mommy to give you a stamp.
Yeah, I know, honey,
but you're not supposed to draw it on.
You hear this?
We hear. We hear. We're all thrilled.
Huh? Huh? Oh, Mommy wants to talk to me?
All right, sweetheart. I love you, soldier. Goodbye.
Ante $1 .00.
You got $1 .00, Oscar?
Not after I get through talking to this lady.
Hello, Blanche. How are you?
I got a good idea why you're calling.
I'm a week behind with the check, right?
Four weeks? It's not possible.
It's not possible.
Blanche, I keep a record of every check in my files here.
I happen to know I'm only three weeks behind.
Look, don't threaten me with jail, Blanche,
because it's not a threat.
With my expenses and my alimony,
a prisoner takes home more pay than I do.
Very nice language in front of the children.
I'm $800 behind in alimony. Let's raise the stakes.
She can do it.
What?
Throw you in jail.
If she can't aggravate me once a week, she's not happy.
Aren't you worried about the kids?
The kids are living in their grandfather's house
with a swimming pool in California.
Can we just play cards?
I said you'd get into trouble.
I should know... I'm your accountant.
If you're my accountant, how come I need money?
If you need money, how come you play poker?
Because I need money.
You always lose.
That's why I need money.
Then don't play.
Then don't come to my house and eat my potato chips!
Beautiful. Beautiful, man.
Why are you yelling? We're playing a friendly game.
Who's playing? We've been talking since 8:00.
Since 7:00! I said then I'd leave at 12:00.
You want a banana in the mouth?
All right. All right. All right!
Calm down! Calm down! Take it easy.
I could arrest the whole lousy game.
Let's just play cards, and please hold them up.
I can't see where I marked them.
He owes money to everyone,
and he still won't take it seriously.
Life goes on, even for those
who are divorced, broke, and sloppy.
Hello. Divorced, broke, and sloppy.
Hello, sweetheart.
Yes, darling.
Yes. Listen, darling,
I told you not to call me during the game.
I can't talk to you now.
Hee hee hee! You know I do, darling.
Yeah. Hold on just a second.
Murray, it's your wife.
I wish you were having an affair with her.
Then she wouldn't bother me.
Hello, Mimi.
"What time are you coming home?"
"About 12:00, 12:30."
About 12:00, 12:30.
Why, what do you want, Mimi?
A corned-beef sandwich and strawberry malted?
Is she pregnant again?
No, just fat.
How could you hear? I had the phone over my chest.
Who, Felix? No, he didn't show up tonight.
What's wrong?
You're kidding.
No. How should I know?
All right, all right, Mimi. I'll take care of it.
Goodbye.
What did I tell you? Felix is missing.
What do you mean, missing?
He didn't go to work or come home.
Nobody knows where he is.
Mimi just spoke to his wife.
Wait. No one is missing for one day.
Maybe he had an accident.
They would have heard.
If he's in a gutter, who would know him?
He's got 92 credit cards.
When something happens to him, America lights up.
I'll call his wife.
I thought he looked edgy the last couple of weeks.
Didn't you think he looked edgy?
No. I thought you looked edgy.
Frances. How are you? Oscar.
Yeah. Yeah, I just heard.
Tell her not to worry.
You know women.
Listen, Frances, the most important thing is not to worry.
Oh. She's not worried.
Frances, do you have any idea where he could be?
You what? You're kidding.
Oh, no. I...I didn't know.
Yeah. No, he never told me. Yeah.
All right. Yeah. Listen, Frances, you sit tight,
and the minute I hear anything, I'll let you know.
All right. OK. Goodbye.
You going to tell us,
or do we hire a private detective?
They broke up.
Who?
Who? Felix and Frances who. They broke up.
The entire marriage is through.
You're kidding.
After 12 years?
They were such a happy couple.
He'll go to pieces.
He'll try something crazy.
That's all he talked about... his wife and kids.
He'll kill himself.
You hear what I'm saying?
He'll kill himself!
Stop being a cop for two minutes!
Where did he go?
He went to kill himself.
Are you serious?
She said he didn't want to do it at home
because the kids were sleeping.
Why?
Because Felix is a nut.
Did he say, "I'm going to kill myself"?
I don't know. She didn't read it to me.
He left a note?
No. He sent a telegram.
A suicide telegram? Who sends a suicide telegram?
Felix the nut, that's who.
Can you imagine getting it?
She even has to tip the kid a quarter.
Maybe he's bluffing. We get these every day.
All they want is sympathy.
We got a guy who calls every Saturday
from the George Washington Bridge.
You never can tell
what a guy will do when he's hysterical.
9 times out of 10, they don't jump.
What about the 10th time?
They jump. He's right. There's a possibility.
Not with Felix. He's too nervous to kill himself.
He wears his seat belt in a drive-in movie.
If you're going to kill yourself,
where's the safest place to do it?
With your friends, right? Open the door!
He may be hysterical. Let's play it nice and easy.
Like they do to those guys on a ledge.
What do we say?
Nothing.
Are you through with this discussion?
He could have hung himself in the hall.
Vinnie, open the door.
Remember, like we don't know nothing.
Oh, hi, Felix.
Hi.
Hey, fellas.
Hi, Felix.
How's the game going?
Good.
Very nice.
Good.
Good, good.
Sorry I'm late.
Any...Any ginger ale left?
Ginger ale? No, I don't think so.
I got some root beer.
Nope. Felt like a ginger ale.
Somehow, I don't feel like a root beer...
tonight.
What's the bet?
You bet a quarter. It's up to Murray.
Murray, what do you say?
Murray?
Murray!
Murray.
What? What?
It's up to you.
Why's it always up to me?
It's not. What do you do?
I'm in.
Um...anybody call about me?
Call about you?
No...no, not that I can remember.
Why, were you expecting a call?
Did anyone call for Felix?
- No. - No.
Were you expecting a call?
Uh, no, I was just asking.
I raise a dollar.
Costs me $1 .25 then, right?
Right.
I just thought somebody might have called.
Uh, nobody called, nobody called.
What does it cost me to play again?
$1 .25. For God's sake, pay attention!
All right, take it easy, everyone.
Calm down.
He makes me nervous!
You make everybody nervous!
I'm sorry! I'll kill myself!
Murray!
Oh, sorry.
That's a pretty view from here. What is it, 12 floors?
No! It's only 11 floors, that's all.
See, it's only 11 floors.
It says 12, but it's only 11 .
Gee, it's chilly in here.
Isn't it chilly in here?
Yes. Very chilly.
Want to play, Felix? It's still early.
We're in no rush.
We'll be here till 3:00, 4:00 in the morning.
I don't know, I just...
don't feel much like playing right now.
What do you feel like doing?
I don't know.
I'll think of something.
Where are you going?
To the john.
Alone?
I always go alone. Why?
No reason.
You going to be in there long?
Long as it takes.
Are you crazy, letting him go to the john alone?
Suppose he tries to kill himself?
How can he kill himself in the john?
Razor blades, poison...
That's the kids' bathroom.
Maybe he could brush his teeth to death.
He could jump!
Isn't there a window?
It's only 6 inches wide.
He could break it and cut his wrists.
He could flush himself into the East River.
He's not going to try anything.
Listen. Listen.
He's crying.
You hear that? He's crying.
Isn't that terrible? For God's sakes, Oscar, say something.
What do you say to a man who's crying in your bathroom?
He's coming.
Sit down! Sit down.
Well, I...
I guess I'll just be running along...
Oh, Felix. Felix.
Felix, wait a minute.
Fellas, I can't talk now.
We're your best friends.
Fellas, please, no!
Talk to us.
There's nothing to talk about.
There's just nothing to say, Oscar.
It's over. Let me go, please.
Let him go.
Leave me alone.
Stop him!
Come back here!
Get him! Get him!
Stop, Felix!
Felix! Felix!
Break it down! Break it down!
Let's break the door down.
Break it in.
Felix!
He jumped.
What?
Ow! [Thud]
[Felix] My back.
Oh, my back!
My back!
My back.
Ohh, the back!
Ah! Oh!
Ohh.
Would you leave me alone?
Ow. My stomach.
What's the matter?
Nothing's the matter with my stomach.
I didn't take anything. Leave me alone.
What did you take?
I didn't take anything.
Don't tell Frances what I did.
He took pills. What kind of pills?
Little green ones out of her medicine cabinet.
Don't call Frances.
When did you take these pills?
A couple of hours ago. You won't call her?
How many pills did you take?
I can't remember. I think a whole bottle.
A whole bottle of pills?
My God! Get an ambulance!
We don't even know what kind.
He took a whole bottle.
Maybe they were vitamins.
He could be the healthiest one here.
Walk him around. Don't let him sleep.
Open his collar. Open the window.
Watch my back!
Keep the circulation going.
I'm all right.
One doctor at a time!
All the interns shut the hell up!
You didn't call Frances?
Get his head under the cold shower.
My arm! Watch my arm!
No, please...Ow! Cut it out!
We got to get the pills out.
The pills are out. I threw up before.
12 years. 12 years.
Did you know I was married 12 years, Roy?
Yes, Felix, I knew.
It's over just like that.
That's hysterical.
Maybe it was just a fight.
You've had fights before, Felix.
No, no. It's over.
She's getting a lawyer tomorrow.
My cousin, she's using my cousin.
Who am I going to get?
It's OK, Felix.
All right, let's not stand around looking at him.
Let's break it up.
Yeah. Don't look at me.
I'm ashamed.
Let's call it a night. He's all right.
It's all right, Felix. We understand.
Don't tell anybody about this, Vinnie.
Now you promise me.
I'm going to Florida tomorrow.
That's nice. Have a good time.
We were going to Florida
next winter without the kids.
Now they're going without me.
OK, come on, boys.
Good night, Oscar.
Maybe one of us should stay.
That's OK.
Suppose he tries something again.
He won't.
How do you know?
I'm not going to try anything again.
I'm very tired.
You hear? He's very tired.
He's had a busy night.
Good night.
If anything happens, Oscar, just call me.
I'm three blocks away.
I'd be here in five minutes.
If you need me,
I'll be at the Meridian Motel
in Miami Beach.
You'll be the first one I call, Vinnie.
Oscar.
Yeah?
Are you sure?
I'm sure.
Good night, Felix. Get a good night's sleep.
I guarantee things will look brighter in the morning.
Take away his belt and his shoelaces.
Oh, Felix, Felix, Felix, Felix.
I know, I know, I know...
I know!
Oscar...what am I going to do, huh?
We'll talk about it later.
Come on. Get something to eat first.
Like some nice, hot Ovaltine?
The terrible thing is I still love her, you know?
I always loved her.
How about some Vanilla Wafers
or Vienna Fingers or some Mallomars?
You like a nice box of chocolate Mallomars?
I got everything in here.
We had so much together.
We had two beautiful kids, a beautiful home.
Whoever had more beautiful kids
or a more beautiful home?
Nobody. Nobody.
It's 12 years of marriage down the drain.
Drains can be fixed. That's why we have plumbers.
Get me a pot under the sink, will you?
It's not fair.
Damn it, it's not fa...aah!
What's the matter?
My neck. My neck.
I got a nerve spasm in my neck.
Just take it easy. Show me where it hurts.
I can't straighten it out.
Don't touch me. Don't touch me.
I just want to see where it hurts.
I get it from tension. I must be tense.
I wouldn't be surprised.
Aah! Oh!
Relax, damn it, relax!
Don't yell at me. Ow. Ow.
Does that hurt?
No. It feels good.
You make the same sounds for pain or happiness.
I know. I think I'm crazy.
If it'll make you feel any better,
I think so, too.
The first sign of anything going wrong,
and I fall to pieces.
Don't stop. It feels good when you rub.
If you don't relax, I'll break my fingers.
Look at this...
The only man in the world with clenched hair.
Bend over. Just bend over. Attaboy.
OK, now, hold still.
If this hurts, Felix, tell me,
'cause I don't know what the hell I'm doing.
[Groaning]
[Wheezing]
What's that noise?
[Wheezing]
I can't breathe. It must be the dust.
Open the window. Get some fresh air.
Wait. We're not opening any windows on the 11th floor.
We'll go downstairs for a walk.
[Wheezing]
I wish I were like you, Oscar...strong.
But I'm weak,
and I admit it... I'm weak, weak.
You'll outlive today's entire generation.
You want a lick?
You don't understand.
I'm nothing without my wife and kids.
You don't... I'm nothing!
You're not nothing. You're something.
You're a person.
You're flesh and blood and bones and hair and nails and ears.
You're not a fish. You're not a buffalo.
You're you.
You walk and talk and cry and complain
and eat little green pills
and send suicide telegrams.
No one else does that, Felix, no one.
You're the only one of its kind in the world.
You've stained me.
Chocolate ice cream stains. That's a stain.
Ice cream doesn't stain.
Oh, vanilla and coffee don't stain.
Chocolate does. That's a stain.
Felix, leave that alone. You'll get a water stain.
That won't come out.
That's a permanent stain.
You ready to order now?
Oh, hi!
Hey, there's my little pussycat.
Come over here, darling.
For a tip, I'll leave my apartment key.
Is it informal, or can I bring my husband?
Never mind. I can't wait that long.
How about five quick minutes behind the cash register?
Aah! Ha ha ha!
If you bite, I can't write.
What will you have?
A cup of hot tea for me, please.
Cup of hot tea for Diamond Jim Brady.
You going to eat anything?
Let's see. I just had an ice cream.
Give me a corned beef on rye, all fat,
and a high-calorie cream soda.
Isn't she cuu-cute?
Ha ha ha!
Ha ha! If you don't try,
how are you going to find out?
Exactly. It's very easy for you and me, Oscar.
We're men. We're out in the world.
We can meet new people. What about Frances?
Divorce is much harder on the woman.
She's alone with the kids, stuck in the house.
How is she going to meet somebody now,
at her age, with two kids?
I don't know.
Maybe someone will come to the door.
Can we stop talking about Frances?
Would you like me to just forget her?
How do you wipe out 12 years of marriage just like that?
You don't. Face the facts, Felix.
You can't spend your life crying.
It annoys people at movies.
Brrr!
What's the matter?
Too cold. It's the air conditioning.
Why do they always turn them up so high?
I'll probably get the flu.
You want me to ask for a blanket?
You got to be careful with air conditioning.
I never let Frances use ours in the summer.
Oh, she must be crazy about that.
Where are you going?
Let's move to another table.
[Sniff
Oh, I knew it.
[Sniffling]
[Nasal Honking]
What's the matter now?
[Honk Honk]
I got this...My ears are filling up.
I got this sinus condition.
It's the change in temperature.
I always get it from air conditioning.
Maybe it'll go away.
No. It's all part of my allergies.
I get them in the summer.
Only in the summer?
In the winter, too. I get them all year.
I'm allergic to foods
and pillows and curtains and perfumes.
Can you imagine that? Allergic to perfumes.
That used to drive Frances crazy.
For a while, she couldn't wear anything
except my after-shave lotion.
I was impossible to live with.
[Very Loud Nasal Honking]
Stop that, will you? What are you doing?
I'm trying to clear up my ears.
You create a pressure inside your head.
It opens up the eustachian tubes.
[Loud Honking]
Did it open up?
Uh-huh. I think I strained my throat.
Felix, will you leave yourself alone?
Don't tinker.
I know.
I can't help it. I drive everybody crazy.
A marriage counselor once kicked me out of his office.
Wrote on my chart... "lunatic."
It takes two to make a rotten marriage.
You don't know what I was like at home.
I'm a compulsive cleaner...
always cleaning up after Frances.
Then I'd go into the kitchen and recook her meals
because I'm also a much better cook than she is.
I cooked myself right out of a marriage.
Stupid damned idiot!
Hey, Felix, don't do that.
You'll get a headache.
I can't stand it anymore. It's just...
I hate me.
Oh, boy, do I hate me.
You don't hate you. You love you.
You think no one else has problems like you.
I thought you were my friend.
I am. That's why I can talk to you this way...
Because I love you almost as much as you do.
Then why don't you help?
How can I help you when I can't even help myself?
You think you're impossible to live with?
Ha ha! Blanche used to say to me,
"What time do you want dinner?"
I'd say, "I don't know. I'm not hungry."
Then 3 A.M., I'd wake her up, and I'd say, "Now."
I've been one of the highest-paid sportswriters
for the past 14 years.
We saved $8.50 in pennies.
I'm never home. I gamble.
I burn cigar holes in furniture,
drink like a fish, lie to her.
Then for our 10th wedding anniversary, I took her
to the New York Rangers/ Detroit Red Wings hockey game,
where she got hit by a puck.
I still can't figure out why she left me.
That's how impossible I am.
Come on. Let's get out of here.
The muggers will be here soon.
I don't think I can take living alone, Oscar.
In two weeks, I'll go to pieces.
How will I work? How will I make a living?
You'll go on street corners and cry.
They'll throw nickels at you.
Tonight you'll sleep here.
Tomorrow you get your clothes
and your electric toothbrush,
and you move in here with me.
It's your apartment. I'll just be in the way.
There's eight rooms.
We could go for a year without seeing each other.
Don't you understand? I want you to move in.
Why? I'm a pest.
I know you're a pest. Don't keep telling me.
Why do you want me to move in?
Because I can't stand living alone, that's why.
For crying out loud, I'm proposing to you.
What do you want... a ring?
Oscar, if you mean it,
there's a lot I can do around here.
I'm very handy around the house.
I know how to fix things.
I fixed my wife's hair dryer.
I don't have a hair dryer. Blanche took it.
Well, let me do something.
I got to do something.
You can take my wife's initials off the towels.
You can sleep in here, Brucey's room.
I can cook, you know?
I'm a terrific cook.
You don't have to cook.
I got enough potato chips for a year.
Two meals a day at home. We'll save a fortune.
We got to pay alimony, you know.
OK, Felix, you can cook.
You like leg of lamb? I'll make it this weekend.
Oh, I got to call Frances. She's got my big pot.
Hey, will you forget Frances?
We'll get our own pots.
Don't drive me crazy before you move in.
[Telephone Ringing]
Well, listen, Oscar, uh, hey,
if I do anything that irritates you
or gets on your nerves,
don't be afraid to tell me.
It's your apartment.
I don't want to irritate you.
Hello. Oh, hello, Frances.
I'm not here. I'm not here.
You haven't heard from me.
You don't know where I've been.
I didn't call. I'm not here.
Yes, he's here.
Yes.
How's she sound? Is she worried?
What's she saying? Is she crying?
Does she want to speak to me?
I don't want to talk to her.
He's going to stay here with me.
Tell her I'm not coming back. I've had it.
I've taken just as much as she has.
I'm human, too, you know.
She's not the only one
that's suffered in this marriage.
Tell her that.
Yes, he's fine.
Don't tell her I'm fine!
You heard how I was carrying on.
I was going to kill myself.
Why did you tell her I'm fine?
Yes, I understand, Frances.
Ask her if she wants to speak to me.
Do you want to speak to him?
Give me the phone.
You don't want to speak to him.
OK, good night, Frances.
She doesn't want to speak to me?
No.
Why did she call?
Wants to know when you're coming over for your clothes.
She wants to have the room repainted.
Listen, Felix, it's almost 1:00.
Let's go to bed, huh?
She didn't want to speak to me.
I'll get you a pair of pajamas.
You like stripes, dots, or animals?
I want to kill myself,
and she's picking out colors.
How about some slippers? I got some house slippers for you.
I'm glad... because she finally
made me realize it's over.
It didn't sink in until just this minute.
Felix, I want you to go to bed.
My marriage is really over.
Well, it doesn't seem so bad now.
I think I can live with this thing.
Live with it tomorrow. Go to bed tonight.
In a few minutes. I've got to think.
I got to rearrange my life.
Felix, this is my apartment.
I make up the bedtime.
You don't understand, Oscar.
I just want to be alone for a while.
You go to bed. I'll clean up.
You don't have to clean up.
I can't sleep with a room like this.
Go to bed. I'll see you in the morning.
I'll cook you breakfast.
Listen, Felix, you're not going...
You're not going to do anything big
like rolling up rugs, are you?
10 minutes. That's all I'm going to be.
Just 10 minutes. I'll do the dishes and go to bed.
He's going to do the dishes.
Hey, Oscar!
Yeah?
Oscar, I'm going to be all right.
It may take a few days.
I'm going to be all right.
Good. Good. Good night, Felix.
Good night, Frances.
Morning, Harry.
Good morning.
Hey, there's my bus. See you tonight, Oscar.
Right, Fel.
Hey, Oscar, what will I make for dinner?
The batter, number nine, Bill Mazeroski,
second base.
[Umpire] Strike!
Well, that's the ballgame.
It's not over yet.
Bases loaded, Mazeroski up, ninth inning...
You expect the Mets to hold a one-run lead?
What's the matter...
You never heard of a triple play?
[Telephone Rings]
Hello. Uh-huh.
Phone for you, Madison.
I'll call them back.
He says it's an emergency.
Yeah?
Oscar, just called to tell you...
Don't eat any frankfurters at the ballgame today.
I decided to make franks and beans for dinner tonight.
[Crack]
[Crowd Cheering]
A triple play! The Mets did it!
The greatest fielding play I ever saw,
and you missed it, Oscar! You missed it!
Are you crazy?
Are you out of your mind?
Take your frankfurters and...
Oscar? Hey, Oscar.
Os...
[Siren]
[Door Buzzer]
I'm sorry I'm late.
Wipe your feet.
What?
If you know what's good for you, wipe your feet.
How's the game going?
Hey, what happened to the apartment?
It's been given the Good Housekeeping Seal of Approval.
Deal the cards.
Hey, Murray.
Ante up. Everybody in?
What are we playing?
Seven-card.
[Felix Humming]
A cold glass of beer for Roy.
Thank you.
Where's your coaster?
My what?
Little round thing goes under the glass.
I think I bet it.
Here. I knew I was winning too much.
Try to use the coasters, fellas.
Scotch, little bit of water.
Scotch and water, and I have my coaster.
I don't want to be a pest,
but you know what wet glasses do.
They leave little rings on the table.
Little rings on the table.
And we don't want little rings on the table.
And we have a nice, warm sandwich for Vinnie.
Gee, it smells good. What is it?
Bacon, lettuce, and tomato with mayonnaise
on pumpernickel toast.
You mean you just made it?
1, 2, 3.
You put in toast and cooked bacon just for me?
If you don't like it,
he'll make you meat loaf in five minutes.
You know how I love to... Eat over the dish.
I just vacuumed the rug.
Mmm. Good.
Hey, Oscar, what did you want?
Two 3 1/2 minute eggs and some petits fours.
Oh, double gin and tonic, right?
Be with you in a minute.
Who turned off the dehumidifier?
What?
The dehumidifier.
Fellas, I asked you... Don't play with this.
I'm trying to get some of the grime out of the air.
Murray, I'll give you $200 for your gun.
I have had it up to here.
In the last three hours,
we've played four minutes of poker.
I'm not giving up Friday nights
to watch cooking and cleaning.
I can't breathe. That lousy machine
is sucking everything out of the air.
Gee, this is delicious. Who wants a bite?
I didn't have any supper. Is the toast warm?
Perfect. And not too much mayonnaise.
It's really a well-made sandwich.
Cut me off a little piece.
Give me your napkin.
I don't want to drop crumbs.
Martha and Gertrude at the Automat.
That thing could kill us.
They'll find us with our tongues on the floor.
Do something, Oscar. Get him back into the game.
Don't come to me with your petty problems.
You get this one stinking night a week.
I'm cooped up here with Mary Poppins 24 hours a day.
Felix, get in here, will you?
Coming!
It was better before,
with the garbage and the smoke.
Did you notice what he does with the bread?
He cuts off the crusts.
That's why it's so light.
He only uses the soft green part of the lettuce.
It's really delicious.
I'm going out of my mind.
Felix, get in here! I won't ask again!
Forget it. I'm going home.
The day his marriage busted up
was the end of our poker game.
Speed, you can't go now. I'm a big loser.
You got no one to blame but yourself.
It's your fault.
You're the one who stopped him from killing himself.
He's right. That man is absolutely right.
Are you going to eat that pickle?
I wasn't thinking of it. Why? Do you want it?
Unless you want it. It's your pickle.
Take it. I don't usually eat pickles.
Deal the cards.
What did you do that for?
You want to play poker, deal the cards.
You want to eat, go to a delicatessen.
Will you keep your pickles and your sandwiches to yourself?
I'm losing $53 here, and everybody's getting fat.
Felix!
[Felix] What?
Close the stinkin' restaurant and sit down.
We got a poker game going on here.
Is it up to me... Who threw a pickle on my floor?
I don't think that's funny.
[Sniffing]
What is that smell?
Disinfectant?
It's the cards. He washed the cards.
I'm getting out of here.
I can't stand any more.
Wait a minute, Roy. Where are you going?
I've been sitting here breathing cleaning fluid
and ammonia for three hours.
Nature didn't intend for poker to be played like that.
OK, ready to play.
Good. We got just enough for handball.
Where is everybody?
You got the nerve to ask that question?
I've just been sterilized out of $53.
Well, I'm sorry. Is it my fault, fellas?
No. I guess no one feels like playing tonight.
I'd better be going, too. Got to get up early.
Bebe and I are driving to Asbury Park for the weekend.
Just the two of you? Gee, that's nice.
You always do things like that together, don't you?
We have to. I don't know how to drive.
You coming, Murray?
Yeah. Why not?
I got to stop off and get Mimi a hero sandwich
and a frozen eclair.
Marriage. Huh! Those two playboys
sure got the life, huh, Vinnie?
Yeah. Some life those playboys got.
[Laughing]
That's funny, isn't it, Oscar?
They think we're happy.
Ha ha ha!
They really think we're enjoying ourselves.
Well, they don't know.
They just don't know
what it's like living alone, do they?
I'd be immensely grateful to you, Felix,
if you didn't clean up just now.
Just a few things. But playboys...us!
Ha ha ha! That's really funny.
I think they actually envy us.
Well, they should only know.
Felix, will you leave everything alone, please?
I'm not through dirtying up for the night.
Don't you see the irony of it?
Don't you see the irony?
Yes, I see it.
I really don't think you see it.
Felix, I'm telling you, I see the irony of it.
Then tell me... What's the irony?
The irony is that unless we come to some other arrangement,
I'm going to kill you. That's the irony of it.
What's wrong, Oscar?
There's something wrong with this system.
I don't think that two single men living alone
in a big eight-room apartment
should have a cleaner house than my mother.
Wait. What are you talking about?
I didn't say you have to.
You don't have to clean up.
What you do is worse.
You're always hanging up my towels.
You follow me around with an ashtray.
Last night, I found you in the kitchen
washing the floor, shaking your head,
and moaning, "Footprints, footprints."
I didn't say they were yours.
Well, they were mine, damn it.
I have feet, and they make prints.
Should I climb across the cabinets?
No! Just walk on the floor!
Well, I appreciate that. I really do.
I'm only trying to keep this place livable.
I didn't know I irritated you that much.
Leave my pictures alone.
I was just trying to even them up.
I want them uneven. They're my pictures.
Even up your own pictures.
I was wondering how long it would take.
How long what would take?
Before I got on your nerves.
I didn't say you got on my nerves.
Please don't do that.
Same thing. You said I irritated you.
No. You said you irritated me. I didn't say it.
What did you say?
I don't remember. What's the difference?
No difference. I was just repeating
what I thought you said.
Don't repeat what you thought I said!
Repeat what I said!
My God, that's irritating!
See? You did say it.
I don't believe this whole conversation.
Oscar, I'm sorry.
I don't know what's wrong with me.
And don't pout.
You want to fight, we'll fight, but don't pout.
Fighting...I win. Pouting...you win.
You're right. You're right.
Everything you say about me is absolutely right.
Don't give in so easily.
I'm not always right. Sometimes you're right.
You're right. I do that. I always figure I'm wrong.
Only this time, you are wrong and I'm right.
Oh, leave me alone.
And don't sulk. That's the same as pouting.
I know, I know. Oh, damn me.
Why can't I do just one lousy thing right?
Why didn't you throw it?
I almost did. Sometimes I get so insane with myself.
Then why don't you throw the cup?
I'm trying to control myself.
Why are you trying to control yourself?
What do you mean? Why?
You were angry. You felt like throwing the cup.
Why didn't you throw it?
Because I would still be angry
and I would have a broken cup.
How do you know? Maybe you'd feel wonderful.
Why do you have to control
every single thought that comes into your head?
Why don't you let loose once in your life?
Do something that you feel like doing,
not what you think you're supposed to do.
Stop controlling yourself, Felix!
Relax! Get drunk! Get angry!
Come on! Break the lousy cup!
Ow! I hurt my arm!
You're hopeless.
You're a hopeless mental case.
I shouldn't throw with that arm. I've got bursitis.
Why don't you live in a closet?
I'll leave your meals outside the door
and slide in the newspapers.
Oh, cut it out. I hurt easily.
I can't help the way I am.
You're not going to cry, are you?
I think all those tears dripping on your arm
is what gave you bursitis.
Let me tell you something, Oscar.
I may not be the easiest person
in the world to live with,
but you could have done a lot worse...
a whole lot worse.
How?
I put order in this house.
For the first time in months,
you're saving money,
you're sleeping on clean sheets,
you're eating hot meals for a change,
and I did that.
Yes, that's right.
Then at night, after we've had
your halibut steak in your tartare sauce,
I have to spend the rest of the evening
watching you Saran-Wrap the leftovers.
Felix, when are you and I
going to have some fun... a little relaxation...
get out of the house?
What are you talking about?
We have fun. Eat over the plate.
Fun? Listen, getting a clear picture
on channel two is not my idea of whoopee.
We don't always watch TV.
Sometimes we read. Sometimes we talk.
Yeah. I read, and you talk.
I try to work, and you talk.
I go to sleep, and you talk.
We got your life arranged pretty good,
but I'm still looking for a little entertainment.
What are you saying... I talk too much?
Nah. I'm not complaining.
You got a lot to say.
What's worrying me is I'm beginning to listen.
You're not going to hear another peep out of me.
You're not going to give me a haircut, are you?
I'm going to cut up some cabbage and greens
and make coleslaw for tomorrow.
I don't want any coleslaw for tomorrow!
I just want to have some fun tonight.
I thought you liked my coleslaw.
I love your coleslaw. I swear, I love it.
I'll take your coleslaw with me
to work tomorrow, but not tonight.
Let's go out of the house.
All right, let's go.
I only make it for you. I don't like coleslaw.
If you wanted to go out, why didn't you say so?
You think I like working and slaving
in the kitchen all day long?
Strike! Ow!
Hey, how about that? Oscar, you're right.
When you're right, you're right.
A person has to get out of the house once in a while.
Hmm?
Yeah. Oh, yes, bowling...
Bowling is wonderful exercise, Felix,
but that's not
the kind of relaxation I had in mind.
I mean, the night was made for other things.
Like what?
Like unless I get to touch something soft
in the next two weeks,
I'm in big trouble.
Oh, you mean women?
If you want to give it a name, all right, women.
That's funny. I haven't thought of women in weeks.
I fail to see the humor.
Look, all I'm saying is,
why don't we spend one night
talking to someone with higher voices than us?
You mean...
That's what I mean.
I can't.
Why not?
I'm just not ready for it yet.
I don't want to discuss it. Let's bowl.
I intend to go out.
I get as lonely as the next fella,
but I've only been separated a couple of weeks.
Give me a little time, will you?
There isn't any time left.
I saw TV Guide, and there's nothing on this week.
12 in the corner.
What am I asking you, for crying out loud?
All I want to do is have dinner and some laughs
with a couple of girls.
Can't you go out yourself? Why do you need me?
I may want to come back to the apartment.
If we walk in and find you washing the windows,
it puts a damper on things.
I'll take a pill and go to sleep.
Why take a pill when you can take a girl?
Because I'd feel guilty. I'm sorry, but that's why.
If it doesn't make sense to you,
it's the way I feel.
Go ahead and shoot.
Anyway, who would I call?
I don't even know any single girls.
Leave that to me.
Two sisters live in our building... English girls.
One's a widow, the other one's a divorcee.
They're a barrel of laughs.
How do you know?
I was trapped in the elevator with them last week.
Please, Felix. Please just say yes.
I can call them now. Please say yes for my sake.
If it means that much to you...
Atta baby. That's the Felix I've been waiting for.
Wait. What do they look like?
Don't worry. Yours is very pretty.
Excuse me.
We're all set. 7:30 tomorrow night.
Which one do I get?
The divorcee.
Why do I get the divorcee?
I don't care. You want the widow?
I don't want the widow. I don't even want the divorcee.
I'm just doing this for you.
Take whoever you want.
When they walk in, point to the sister of your choice.
I just want some laughs.
What are they... old... I mean, how? 30, 35, older?
What's the matter with you?
They're young. They're young kids.
Where did you say you met them? Did they want to meet me?
Don't forget and suddenly call one of them Frances!
It's Gwendolyn and Cecily!
No Frances!
Gwendolyn and Cecily!
"Rule, Britannia, Britannia, rule the waves"
Supposing my kids see me?
I'm going to night clubs with foreign girls.
I've got two American kids to support.
Where are we going to have dinner?
What?
Where are we going to have dinner?
Anywhe...Anywhe...
Anywhere you say. Chinese, Italian...
You mean a restaurant? It will cost a fortune.
We'll cut down on laundry.
We don't wear socks on Thursdays.
We can't afford restaurants. We'll eat here.
Here?
I'll cook. We'll save $30, $40.
What kind of a double date is that?
Well, you'll be in the kitchen all night!
No, I won't. I'd put it up in the afternoon.
Once I get my potatoes in,
I got all the time in the world.
What happened to the whole new Felix?
Who are you calling?
Frances. I want to get her recipe for meat loaf.
The girls will be crazy about it.
I'd like fresh ground.
That's fresh.
That's not fresh. That's packaged. I want fresh.
How much?
4 pounds exactly.
Is that one ripe?
Not for tonight. Couple of days.
Thank you.
Hey. Beautiful.
Beautiful!
I'm home, dear!
Something wonderful is going on in that kitchen.
No, sir, no doubt about it,
I am the luckiest man on Earth.
Felix...Felix.
Felix, listen. I got the wine.
Batard-Montrachet. $6.25.
You don't mind, do you, pussycat?
We can walk to work this week. Ha ha!
No kidding, Felix. You did a great job.
One little suggestion... Let's come down
a little bit with the lights
and up very softly with the music, huh?
Hey, do you think Mozart goes good with meat loaf?
What's the matter, Felix? Something's wrong.
I can tell from your conversation.
All right, Felix. What is it? What is it?
What is it?
Let's start with what time you think it is.
What time? I don't know...7:30?
7:30? Try 8:00.
All right, so it's 8:00. So?
So you said you'd be home at 7:00.
Is that what I said?
"I'll be home at 7:00" is what you said.
So I said I'd be home at 7:00, and it's 8:00.
So what's the problem?
If you knew you were going to be late,
why didn't you call me?
I couldn't call you. I was busy.
Too busy to pick up a phone? Where were you?
I was in the office working.
In the office working?
I called your office at 7:00. You were gone.
It took me an hour to get home.
I couldn't get a cab.
Since when do they have cabs in Hannigan's Bar?
Hey, wait a minute, will you?
I want to get this down on a tape recorder
because nobody's going to believe me.
You mean now I got to call you
if I'm coming home late for dinner?
Not any dinner...
Just the ones that I've been slaving over
since 5:00 this afternoon
to help save you money
to pay your wife's alimony.
Felix, this is no time
to have a domestic quarrel.
We got two girls coming down here any minute.
You mean you told them to be here at 8:00?
I don't remember what I said.
7:30, 8:00...What the hell difference does it make?
I'll tell you what the hell difference it makes!
You told me they would be here at 7:30.
You were going to be here at 7:00,
help me with the hors d'oeuvres,
then at 7:30 they get here,
and we have drinks... cocktails.
At 8:00 we're going to eat dinner.
Well, it's now 8:00, and my dinner's finished.
The meat loaf is done!
Now if we don't eat within 15 seconds,
the whole damn thing will be dried out!
God help me.
Never mind helping you!
Tell him to save my meat loaf!
Can't you keep it warm?
What do you think I am... the Magic Chef?
I'm lucky I got it to come out at 8:00...
Wh-Wh-What am I going to do?
I don't know. Keep pouring gravy on it.
Wh-Wh-What gravy?
Don't you have any gravy?
Where am I going to get gravy at 8:00?
I don't know.
I thought it comes when you cook the meat.
When you cook the meat...
You don't know what you're talking about.
You just don't know, because you've got to make gravy.
It doesn't come!
Well, you asked my advice, so...
Your advice?
You didn't even know where this kitchen was
till I showed it to you!
You want to talk to me, buddy, put down that spoon.
Spoon! You dumb ignoramus!
That is a ladle!
You did not know that's a ladle!
Get ahold of yourself.
You think it's so easy? Go ahead.
The kitchen's yours, all yours.
You go make a meat loaf for four people
that come a half-hour late.
Listen to me. I'm arguing with him over gravy.
They're here... the dinner guests.
I'll get a saw and cut the meat.
Listen! I want to tell you something, Oscar.
I won't take the blame for this dinner.
Who's blaming you? Who even cares about the dinner?
I care! I take pride in what I do.
You're going to explain to them exactly what happened.
OK. You can take a picture of me coming in at 8:00.
Now take off that stupid apron
because I'm opening the door.
This is the last time I cook anything for you.
People like you don't even appreciate a decent meal,
and that's why they have TV dinners.
Are you through?
Yeah.
Then smile.
Hi there.
Hello.
I hope we're not late.
No, not at all. You timed it perfectly!
Perfectly! Come on in.
Oh, it's lovely.
Thank you. Thank you very much.
Oh, Felix, I'd like you to meet
two elevator acquaintances of mine...
Gwendolyn and Cecily.
No, Cecily and Gwendolyn.
Oh, terribly sorry!
Cecily and Gwendolyn.
Don't tell me... Robin? No.
Cardinal?
No. Wrong both times. It's Pigeon.
Pigeon. Yes.
Cecily and Gwendolyn Pigeon.
The Pigeon sisters.
Or as our friends in Chelsea
used to call us,
the Coo-coo Pigeon Sisters.
I like that.
Why, thank you.
Girls, I'd like you to meet
my roommate and our chef for the evening,
Mr. Felix Ungar.
How do you do?
How you do?
Well, we did that beautifully.
Shall we sit down,
make ourselves comfortable?
Yes, I'd love to. This is so nice.
Perfume.
Look. Shall I sit here?
Sure, sure. Anyplace you like.
Anyplace at all.
Don't sit on the hors d'oeuvres.
Well...
Well, this is ever so nice, isn't it, Gwen?
Yes. Yes, it is. Yes.
It's so much neater than our flat.
Do you have help?
Yes. I have a man who comes in every night.
Well, aren't you the lucky one!
Boy, this is really nice.
You know, I was telling Felix only yesterday
how we happened to meet.
Who's Felix?
He is.
Oh, yes, of course.
I'm sorry.
You know, it happened to us again this morning.
What did?
Stuck in the lift again.
No kidding! Just the two of you?
And poor Mr. Kessler from the third floor.
We were in there nearly half an hour.
Is that right? Well, what happened?
Oh, nothing much, I'm afraid.
Oh, honestly.
Oh, Gwen.
You're terrible.
I know.
Boy, this is really nice.
And ever so much cooler than our place.
Oh, yes.
Oh, it's like equatorial Africa
on our side of the building.
Well, last night it was so bad,
Gwen and I sat there in nature's own,
cooling ourselves in front of the open fridge.
Can you imagine such a thing?
Well, I'm working on it.
Honestly!
But no, no...
Actually, it's impossible to get a night's sleep.
Cece and I really don't know what to do about it.
Why don't you sleep with an air conditioner?
We haven't got one.
Yeah, but we have.
Oh, you!
Ooh, I told about that one, didn't I?
Yeah, they say it may rain Friday.
Oh?
Well, that should cool things off a bit.
Yes. I wouldn't be surprised.
Although sometimes it gets hotter after it rains.
Yes, it does, doesn't it?
Yes. Sometimes it gets a little hotter.
Yes, it can get...
Dinner's served.
No, it isn't.
Yes, it is.
No, I'm sure the girls would like to have
a little cocktail first, wouldn't you, girls?
Well, I wouldn't put up a struggle.
There you are. What would you like?
I don't know. What have you got?
Meat loaf.
She means to drink.
We have everything, and what we don't have,
I mix in the medicine cabinet.
What will it be?
Oh... a double vodka.
Oh, darling, please. Not before dinner. Please.
My sister... Honestly,
she watches over me like a mother hen.
Make it a small double vodka.
Small double vodka...
And for the beautiful mother hen?
Well, um, I think I'd like something cool.
Um...what... I know, I know.
I would like a double Drambuie with crushed ice...
unless, of course,
you haven't got the crushed ice.
I was up all night with a sledge hammer.
I shall return.
Um, excuse...
Oscar?
Where are you going?
To get the refreshments.
Inside? What am I going to do?
You can finish the weather report.
Don't forget to look at my meat loaf.
Well...
Ha ha!
Oscar tells me you're sisters.
Yes, that's right.
From England.
Yes, yes, that's right.
I see.
We're not brothers.
Yes. We know.
Uh, yes...
Although I am a brother.
Oh, yeah. I have a brother. He's a doctor.
Lives in Buffalo. That's upstate New York.
Yes. We know.
You know my brother?
No! No, we know
that Buffalo is upstate in New York.
Thank you.
We've been there. Have you?
No. Is it nice?
Oh, it's lovely.
Oh, isn't that interesting?
Silly me.
Thank you.
How long have you two been
in the United States of America?
Oh, um...four? Four.
Almost four years now.
Just visiting?
No, no, no. We live here.
Do you work here, too? Do you?
Oh, yes, yes. We're secretaries
for a health club.
People bring us their bodies,
and we do wonderful things with them.
Actually, if you're interested,
we could get you 10% off.
Off the price, not off your body.
I couldn't help it.
Oscar!
Where's the drinks? Huh?
And what field of endeavor
are you engaged in?
Uh, I write the news for television.
Oh, fascinating.
Where do you get your ideas from?
From, uh, uh...
the news.
Oh, yes, of course. Silly me.
Well, maybe you can mention Gwen and I
in one of your news reports.
Well, you do something spectacular,
maybe I will.
We've done spectacular things,
but I don't think we'd want it spread
all over the telly, do you, Gwen?
No
Could you imagine?
Oscar!
This apartment is so big,
sometimes you have to holler.
Well, just you two baches live here?
Uh, baches?
Oh, you mean bach...bachelors?
Oh, we're not bachelors.
We're divorced.
That is, Oscar's divorced,
and I'm getting, uh...
Oh, small world!
We've cut the dinghy loose, too, as they say.
Well, you couldn't have
a better-matched foursome, could you?
I suppose not.
Although technically I am a widow.
I was divorcing my husband,
but he died before the final papers came through.
Oh, I'm awfully sorry.
Divorce is a terrible thing, isn't it?
Oh, it can be
if you haven't got the right solicitor.
Now, that's true.
Sometimes it can drag out for months.
I was lucky. Snip, cut, and I was free.
Oh, but of course,
that's all water under the bridge now, isn't it?
I'm terribly sorry.
I think I've forgotten your name.
Felix.
Of course. Felix.
Like the cat.
Cat.
Oh, well, the Pigeons
will have to beware of the cat, won't they?
That's terrible. Quit it!
Here.
That's the worst part about breaking up.
Childhood sweethearts, were you?
No. That's my little boy and girl.
He's 7, and she's 5.
Oh, sweet.
They live with their mother.
I imagine you must miss them terribly.
Oh, I can't stand being away from them,
but that's what happens with divorce.
When do you get to see them?
Every night.
I drop by on the way home,
and I take them on weekends,
and I get them on holidays... July and August.
Well, when is it that you miss them?
Whenever I'm not there.
If they didn't have to go to school so early,
I'd get up and make them breakfast.
They love my French toast.
Well, you certainly are a devoted father.
Oh, it's Frances who's the wonderful one.
She's the little girl?
No, she's the mother... my wife.
What, the one you're divorcing?
Yeah. She's done a terrific job
in bringing them up.
They always look so nice, so polite,
speak beautifully.
Never "yeah," always "yes."
Oh, isn't that lovely?
And she's done it all.
She's...She's a wonderful woman.
She's the kind of a woman who...
What am I doing?
You're not interested in any of this.
Why, nonsense!
You've a right to be proud.
You have two beautiful children
and a wonderful ex-wife.
Here's Frances. See?
she's pretty!
Yeah.
Isn't she pretty, Cecy?
Oh, yes. Pretty, pretty girl.
She is pretty. Here...Isn't that nice?
There's no one in the picture.
I know. That's a picture of our living room.
We had a beautiful apartment.
Oh, it is. It's pretty.
It's very pretty.
Those are lovely lamps.
Oh, thank you.
We got those in Mexico...
on our honeymoon.
Gee, I used to love to come home at night.
That was my whole life...
my wife and my kids and my apartment.
Well...
Does she have the lamps now, too?
Oh, yes.
I gave her everything...
the children...
the lamps.
I'm sorry. Will you forgive me?
I didn't mean to get emotional.
Would you like some potato chips?
Oh, please.
Please, you mustn't be ashamed.
I think...I think it's a rare quality
in a man to be able to cry.
So do I.
I think it's sweet...
terribly, terribly sweet.
Please, because you're just making it worse.
No! No, it's so refreshing to hear a man
speak so highly of the woman he's divorcing.
Oh, dear.
Now...Now you've got me thinking about poor Sydney.
Oh, Gwen, please.
Well, it was a good marriage
at first, wasn't it?
Yes.
Everybody said so, didn't they?
Not like you and George.
No. That's right.
George and I were never happy...
not for one single, solitary day.
This is ridiculous!
I don't know what brought this on.
I was feeling so good a few minutes ago.
I haven't cried since I was 14.
Is everybody happy?
What the hell happened?
Nothing, nothing.
Nothing? I'm gone three minutes,
and I walk into a funeral parlor.
What did you say to them?
I didn't say anything to them. Don't start in on me.
I can't leave you alone for five seconds.
If you really want to cry, go in the kitchen
and look at your meat loaf.
Well, why didn't you call me?
Girls, I'm terribly sorry...
really I am.
I forgot to warn you about Felix.
He's a walking soap opera!
I think he's the dearest thing
I've ever met.
He's so sensitive,
so fragile.
I just want to bundle him up in my arms
and take care of him.
I think when he comes out of that kitchen,
you may have to.
We better get some corned beef sandwiches.
No, wait, Felix.
Maybe we can salvage it.
Yeah, let's see it.
See it? See what? $4.80 worth of ashes?
I'd throw it down the incinerator,
but it won't burn twice.
l...l...I've got a wonderful idea.
Why don't we eat up at our place?
That's a wonderful idea!
That is, if you don't mind taking potluck.
I'm crazy about potluck!
Of course, it's awfully hot up there.
You'll have to take off your jackets.
We can always open up a refrigerator!
Give us five minutes to get into our cooking things.
Five minutes?
Can't you make it four? I'm starving.
Ooh, don't forget the wine.
How could I forget the wine?
And Felix.
No. I won't forget Felix.
You bet your sweet little crumpets, ta-ta.
Felix, baby, I love you!
You just overcooked us
into one hell of a night.
Get the ice bucket. I got the wine.
I'm not going.
I said I'm not going.
Are you out of your mind?
You know what's waiting for us up there?
You've just been invited
to spend the evening
in a two-bedroom hothouse
with the Coo-coo Pigeon Sisters.
What do you mean you're not going?
I've nothing left to say to them.
I already told them about my brother in Buffalo.
Felix, they are crazy about you.
I'm telling you, they told me.
One of them wants to wrap you up
and make a bundle out of you.
You're doing better than I am.
Don't you understand?
I cried in front of two women.
They loved it.
I'm thinking of getting hysterical.
Don't you see?
I'm still emotionally tied
to Frances and the kids.
I'm going to scrub the pots
and wash my hair.
Your pots and your hair can wait.
You're coming upstairs with me.
I'm not going.
What am I going to do up there
with two girls?
Felix, if I miss this opportunity,
I'll never forgive you.
You're not going to
make any effort to change?
This is the person you're going to be
until the day you die?
We are what we are.
It's 12 floors... not 11!
Hello, sports fans.
Speculation is running high among Yankee followers
as to the possibility of trading away
the great right-hander Hank Moonjean
for three unknown young players
and an undetermined amount of cash.
Moonjean has racked up 10 wins against only 3 losses
so far this year,
which is, incidentally, high for both leagues.
It looks to this reporter
that the Yankee office will be bombarded
by many protests...
How long will this go on?
You talking to me?
Yeah, I'm talking to you.
What do you want to know?
I want to know if you'll spend
the rest of your life
not talking to me.
You had your chance to talk last night.
I begged you to come upstairs with me.
Here. Here's a key to the back door.
You stick to the hallway and your room,
and you won't get hurt.
Meaning what?
If you want to live here,
I don't want to see you,
I don't want to hear you,
I don't want to smell your cooking.
Kindly remove that spaghetti
from my poker table.
What the hell is so funny?
It's not spaghetti. It's linguini.
Now it's garbage.
You're crazy.
I'm a neurotic nut, but you're crazy.
That's really funny
coming from a fruitcake like you.
I'm not cleaning that up.
Is that a promise?
Did you hear what I said?
I'm not cleaning that up.
That's your mess. Look at it.
It's hanging all over the wall.
I like it.
You'd just let it hang there, wouldn't you?
Just let it hang
until it got all hard and brown and...
It's disgusting.
Well, I'm cleaning it.
Leave that alone.
You leave that alone.
You touch one strand of that linguini,
and I'm going to punch you
right in your sinuses.
Hey, Oscar, come on, now.
Now, listen,
why don't you just take a tranquilizer?
Go to your room.
I said go to your room.
Let's just all settle down.
I'm warning you, Felix.
You want to live through this night,
you better keep this door locked
and lock your windows, too.
All right, Oscar. I'd like to know what's happened.
What's happened?
Something made you go off the deep end.
Is it something I said or something I did?
Nothing you said.
Don't start me, Felix.
Is it the cooking or the cleaning? The crying?
I can tell you exactly what it is.
It's the cooking, the cleaning, the crying.
It's the talking in your sleep.
It's those moose calls that open your ears
at 2:00 in the morning.
I can't take it anymore, Felix.
I'm cracking up.
Everything you do irritates me,
and when you're not here,
the things you'll do when you come in irritate me.
You leave me little notes on my pillow.
I've told you 158 times
I cannot stand little notes on my pillow.
"We are all out of cornflakes. F.U."
Took me three hours to figure out
that F.U. was Felix Ungar.
It's not your fault, Felix.
It's a rotten combination, that's all.
Yeah. I get the picture.
I haven't even painted the picture yet.
I got a typewritten list in my office
of the 10 most aggravating things you do
that drive me berserk,
but last night was the topper.
Oh, brother, that was the topper.
That was the ever-loving lulu of all times.
I had it all set up
with that English Betty Boop and her sister,
and I wind up drinking tea
and telling them your life story.
I warned you not to make that date
in the first place.
Don't point that finger at me
unless you intend to use it.
Get off of my back, Oscar!
What's this? A display of temper?
I haven't seen you really angry
since the day I dropped my cigar
in your pancake batter.
Oscar, you're asking to hear something
I don't want to say, but if I do say it,
I think you ought to hear it.
You got anything on your chest besides your chin,
you better get it off.
All right! Then you asked for it!
You're a wonderful guy, Oscar.
You've done everything for me.
If it weren't for you,
I don't know what would have happened.
You gave me a place to live
and something to live for.
I'm never going to forget you for that, Oscar.
You're tops with me.
If I've just been told off,
I think I may have missed it.
It's coming.
You are also one of the biggest slobs
in the world.
I see.
Totally unreliable, undependable, and irresponsible.
Keep going. I think you're hot.
No. That's it. You've been told off.
How do you like that?
Good. Good!
Because now...
I'm going to tell you off.
For six months,
I've lived alone in this apartment...
all alone in eight big rooms.
I was dejected, despondent, and disgusted,
and then you moved in...
my closest and dearest friend.
And after three weeks of close personal contact,
I'm about to have a nervous breakdown.
Do me a favor, will you, Felix?
Move into the kitchen.
Live with your pots, pans, ladles, meat thermometers.
When you want to come out,
just ring a bell, and I'll run into the bedroom.
I'm asking you nicely, Felix,
as a friend... Stay out of my way.
Walk on the paper, will you? I washed the floor in there.
Hey, stay away from me, Oscar.
Oscar! Oscar, stay away from me!
Oscar!
This is the day I'm going to kill you.
Oscar!
No! Oscar!
Oscar!
You hit me,
you've got yourself one sweet lawsuit!
Those dogs should be on a leash.
Oscar, can I speak to you calmly?
First you'll bleed. Then we'll talk.
I got you now, Felix.
There's no place for you to go but down.
Are you out of your mind?
If you want to fight, let's go to the living room.
I don't want you in my living room.
I don't want you in my bathroom, my kitchen,
my hall, or my building.
I don't want you at all.
What?
It's over, Felix... the whole marriage.
We're getting an annulment.
I don't want to live with you anymore!
I want you to pack your things and get out!
You mean actually move out?
Actually, physically, immediately.
You mean move out this minute?
Yes. If you can do it sooner,
I'd appreciate it.
You know, I've got a good mind to really leave.
Why doesn't he hear me?
I know I'm talking. I recognize my voice.
If you really want me to go, I'll go.
Then go!
I want you to go, so go!
When are you going?
You're in a bigger hurry
than Frances was.
Take as much time as she gave you.
I want you to follow your usual routine.
In other words, you're throwing me out.
Not in other words.
Those are the perfect ones!
All right. I just wanted to get the record straight.
Let it be on your conscience.
Let what be on my conscience?
I'm perfectly willing to stay here
and clear the air of our differences,
but you refuse, right?
Right. I'm tired of you clearing the air.
That's why I want you to leave.
Remember, what happens to me is your responsibility.
Let it be on your head.
Let what be on my head?
Why can't you get thrown out
like a decent human being?
Let what be on my head?
Huh?
I'm leaving now
according to your wishes and desires.
Either I'll come back
and get the rest of my clothes,
or someone else will.
You are not going anyplace until you take it back.
Take what back?
"Let it be on your head."
What the hell is that?
The curse of the cat people?
I can't leave if you're blocking the door.
Is this how you left that night with Frances?
No wonder she wanted your room repainted.
I'll have yours dipped in bronze.
Would you get out of the way, please?
Uh, where will you go?
Oh, come on, Oscar.
You're not really interested, are you?
All right, Felix, you win.
We'll try to iron it out.
Come back, Felix.
Felix!
Felix, come back!
Don't leave me like this!
I'm telling you, I'm worried.
I know Felix. He'll try something crazy.
You mean, you just threw him out?
That's right. I threw him out.
It was my decision.
Let it be on my head.
Let what be on your head?
I don't know. Felix put it there. Ask him.
He's out there somewhere.
He was driving us crazy with his napkins
and his ashtrays.
All of you said so.
We didn't say kick him out, Oscar.
I did it for us!
Us?
Yes. Do you know what he was planning
for next Friday night's poker game
as a change of pace?
What?
A luau. A Hawaian luau...
roast pork, fried rice, spare ribs.
They don't play poker like that in Honolulu.
He's out there alone.
I'm really worried.
Why don't we start looking? Come on.
How are we going to find him?
It's a big city.
We'll look for a guy with a suitcase
who's crying.
Come on.
They won't like this at the station.
You're not supposed to look
for a missing person with a missing car.
So take it out of my taxes.
We'll try his apartment first.
Frances hasn't heard from him
since he called to get her recipe
for meat loaf.
Where to now?
Cruise along Riverside Drive.
This is crazy, Oscar.
Why don't we call the cops?
Drive the car.
Hey, what are you doing, Murray?
Off-duty arrest.
Caught them gambling.
We already combed the whole west side.
Why don't we go back and wait to hear something?
Because I'm afraid we'll hear something.
The poor guy.
Will you stop saying "The poor guy"?
What about me?
I got this curse on my head.
Let's go back, Oscar. He'll show up.
He'll kill himself just to spite me.
Then his ghost will follow me
around the apartment, haunting and cleaning,
haunting and cleaning.
Come on, Oscar. Play a few hands.
It will take your mind off Felix.
Stop mentioning his name.
I know what you're all thinking,
but you're wrong.
It's his fault... not mine.
He shouldn't have moved in here
in the first place.
He should have stayed with Blanche.
Why should he?
Because it's his wife.
No. Blanche is your wife.
His wife is Frances.
What are you... some kind of wise guy?
The game is over. Give me my cards.
I don't want to play anymore.
I won't worry about him.
He's not worrying about me.
He's in the streets somewhere
crying and sulking and having a wonderful time.
I think I smell spaghetti.
It's linguini.
Don't you care what happens to Felix?
Thought you weren't worried.
I'm not worried, damn it.
That's him. I'll bet that's him.
Open the door.
Everybody play cards like nothing happened.
Just deal them out.
OK, open the door.
Hello.
How do you do?
Hello there, Cecily.
Gwendolyn.
Please, gentlemen, don't stand up.
May I see you for a moment, Mr. Madison?
Certainly. Certainly, Gwendolyn.
What's the matter?
I think you know.
I've come for Felix's things.
You mean my Felix?
Oh, yes. Yes. Felix Ungar...
that sweet, tortured man
who's in my flat at this moment
pouring his heart out to my sister.
Gwen?
Gwen, Felix doesn't want to stay.
Please tell him to stay.
Please, girls, this is embarrassing.
I can go to a hotel.
Nonsense. There's plenty of room on the sofa.
I'll be in the way.
How could you possibly be in anyone's way?
Want to see a typewritten list?
Haven't you said enough already?
Please. Please. Just for a few days?
Until you get settled.
Please, say yes.
We'd be so happy.
Well, maybe just for a few days.
Oh, that's marvelous!
Get the rest of your things.
We'll go and clean the house.
And cook dinner.
It will be nice to have a man about the house again.
Good night, gentlemen.
Sorry to interrupt
your bridge game.
- Ta-ta! - Ta-ta!
I told you it's always the quiet guys.
Gee. What nice girls.
Hey, Felix,
are you really going to move in with them?
Just for a couple of days
until I can get my own pad.
Aren't you going to thank me, Felix?
For what?
The two greatest things I've done for you...
taking you in, throwing you out.
Oscar, you're right.
Getting thrown out twice is enough.
In gratitude, I remove the curse.
Bless you and thank you,
Wicked Witch of the North.
Probably the girls.
They hate it when I'm late.
It's your wife.
Oh. Um, do me a favor, Murray.
Tell her I can't talk to her right now.
Tell her I'll call her in a couple of days
because we have a lot to talk about.
Tell her if I sound different to her,
it's because I'm not the same man
she threw out three weeks ago.
Just tell her that, Murray.
I will when I see her. This is Oscar's wife.
Hello, Blanche.
I got a good idea why you're calling.
You got my checks, right?
So now we're all even up?
No, I haven't been winning at the track.
I've just been eating home a lot lately.
You don't have to thank me, Blanche.
I'm just doing what's right.
That's very nice of you, too.
Well, good night, Mr. Madison.
You need any heavy cleaning,
I get $1 .50 an hour.
Wait.
Yeah. Yeah. OK, right.
Talk to you tomorrow night.
Kiss the kids for me, will you?
Good night, Blanche.
Felix, what about next Friday night?
You won't break up the poker game?
Me? Never!
Marriage may come and go,
but the game must go on.
So long, Frances.
So long, Blanche.
Well, are we just going to sit around,
or are we going to play poker?
Let's play.
Hey, boys, boys, boys,
let's watch the cigarette butts, shall we?
This is my house... not a pigsty.
Ante a quarter, fellas.